Smokey Dreams

Smokey Dreams...

Have you ever had some really big dream...and then stood back just in time to watch it go up in smoke? It's like watching your favorite character in your favorite show get killed off. Or watching helplessly as your puppy gets hit by a car. You can't help it...and in some ways you should have seen it coming miles off...but now you get to watch it happen in slow and painful motion. And it replays over and over in your head. There is no getting it out and no redoing it again. There is no going back in time to somehow change some small detail.

I've had one of those dreams for four years now. It was all I wanted. I'd done the research...done all my homework...studied for countless hours on exactly what I wanted with my life. I knew it all...I knew where I wanted to go and what to study. I knew where I'd go from that. I knew where I'd end up. And trust me, it wasn't the perfect dream...and it is sure to not be what your dream in life is. I know that 99.9% of you reading this wouldn't even find my dream partially appealing to you. But that's why it's my dream and not yours.

I've been told for most of my life to live my life first for the glory of God...and then out of that to do what I love and what I want to do. But now as I'm getting older I'm seeing more and more people pushing their dreams on me and I realize why others told me to stick to my dreams and not to listen to other people. People grow up and get regrets. We all wish we could change something. But just because you regret it doesn't mean you should force others to do that which you wish you had done. It was/is your dream...not theirs.

I'm watching my big, beautiful dream go up in smoke...because I had forgotten one little problem. My parents' stamp of approval. I've known for quite some time that my parents didn't particularly approve of where I wanted to go...what I wanted to do. It's not sinful or wrong...it's just not how they envision me spending the next 6-10 years studying. They want me to study other things...go to a different college. And how can you go against your parents? How can you do something like that and not live to regret it?

I go through these phases...the "I want to go to college and I'm going to do it no matter what" phase. And the "Alright already...whatever you want...I'll even sit around at home for a few more years" phase. I hate the second...because I become miserable. I know it's not what I've wanted for my life and it's just not me. It's not what makes me happy. I want desperately to heal people...to be there for them when they need someone. That's who I am. My mum has been after me for years because I've always been a bit of a "counselor" for my friends. But now it feels like it's all I want...that's what I want in life.

I want to be a healer. I want to be a comforter. I want to be there in a person's darkest times and be able to shine a light to them. Not only a real physical healing...but a spiritual healing. It's in those darkest times when people are most willing to see the light and I really want to have those chances to be able to go to them in those dark hours and share the Good News with them. Those opportunities CAN come every day if you work in a field like I want(ed).

Well...last night I got the big college talk. And once again I find myself in tears at the crossroads. Which way to go. Dare I disobey my parents and fulfill all my dreams of what I want to do in life? Or do I try and please them and fulfill their dreams and regrets by doing things that make me feel miserable and sad? I want them happier than ever...but how can I go away to college and do that knowing that they disapprove? I can't.

So here I am...indecisive again. I know I'll never leave without their permission or consent. But at the same time...I'm afraid I'll sink back into my depression of last year...when I realized that all my high hopes of graduating early were dashed. I have a dream for life and I'm not living it. Not living that dream is truly hell on earth. I want to help heal people and comfort them...I want to be able to be a light in darkness...I want to open my own Occupational Therapy practice so I can truly impact so many lives. I want to make a difference.

And I've prayed...for so long. So throughout all of this I've been saying, "I want, I want"...but I really do feel it's where I'm lead to be. God keeps bringing it back to me and to my heart. He finds ways to open doors...with scholarships and financial aid and ACT's and all the other things. He shows me people in my life who are just like what I'd be helping someday. But who knows...maybe I'm reading too much into it.

I know for a fact I'll never leave without my parents' consent. But I know I'll never get it. They disapprove of the college...it's secular and not Biblical. They disapprove of the degree...it won't aid or advance any family of mine. They disapprove of the costs...and there will be no loans. There is no easy option and no easy way out. No way to please everyone involved. So...here I am. Praying for wisdom...praying for acceptance. Praying that I can be happy staying here at home knowing that I could have gone there. Could have studied that. Could be helping people like I wanted to.

Lord, I feel so lost.