Fear, True Friends, Honesty, and Needs

What is man's greatest fear? What is the thing that can chill us...usually sub-consciously? What is a struggle especially apart from God? For the answer to these I had to dig deep...and even then it was right in front of my face. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of being ignored. Fear of being unloved. We all want to be wanted...we all want to be needed....we want to be loved and accepted and part of the world. It haunts us at every turn. I've been especially plagued by this lately...the gnawing fear of being alone and lonely...rejected by all who know me. Why are we so desperate to fit in? To appear cool and popular? Because then we won't be cast aside and rejected. 

Like I said, this has been a very recent fear. And boy, does Satan know how to use it against me. I'm going through a stage lately where my mind is constantly filled with thoughts like, "Wow, look at them...they didn't stop and say hi when you came in..they must not like you." "So and so wasn't fully focused when you told her about your day...maybe she's faking being a true friend." This came into reality when I was talking to a person I considered one of my very best friends...he mentioned how he had five best, closest, and true friends. I felt so warm and happy inside...feeling confident he would count me on the list...I've known him for 2-3 years now and we've been through a lot but come out strong (in my opinion). Needless to say he even listed the five good friends and ...I didn't make the cut. It kind of took me back a moment...just how strange people can be. We are fickle. We are fake. We lie. We appear so different then what we really are. Isn't it amazing to wake up one day and just be faced with the fear that the people you count closest and dearest to us can wake up one day too and realize that they don't even like us? 

I'm not exactly sure where I was going with all of this...but just...inner thoughts are so destructive. Every time someone is upset or distant or quiet or out of the normal I blame myself...I'm sure I said something rude or insensitive and it's my fault that they're that way and on and on it goes...I blame myself for anything and everything...I make up whole scenarios about how everything is my own fault. In some cases, it probably is...I am a rather guilty person...chief among sinners and wrong-doers...but everything can't possibly be my fault, right? Right? I feel a bit lonely just writing this because it's not face to face with someone and I can't get feedback. 

One thing I've come to see is that lying is just as easy as breathing. As easy and as effortless. It takes no real thought to just spit out a lie. And sometimes we don't even feel guilty for it. But how about living a lie? Living pretending to love people? Living and being a person with characters that aren't really yours? How easy is that? Maybe what I'm getting at through all this is this: be honest. Be honest with those around you. For best friends....tell them you love them and they mean the world to you. For your other friends...don't try and make them believe that they're your best friend but then not even include them on your "true friends' list". It's a cruel trick of the world and it cut deep to me to hear that I wasn't thought of as a true and good friend. I took a step back and wondered how many people count me on their "true and best friends' list". We all hope we are on someones list...but are we? Scary thought. 

I'm pretty messed up...I've made more mistakes than any average person. I'm pretty screwed up mentally and emotionally. I'm a disaster waiting to happen. You say something nice to me and I might just break down crying from relief. This happened a bit ago...one of my good friends was chatting with me and I said "If I'm being a bother...tell me and honest to goodness I'll leave...just say the word and don't pretend to want to talk to me just to make me feel better if you really don't want to talk to me". He was genuinely shocked why I would say that and was quick to assure me that he really did want to talk to me. I just started bawling right away. 

We as humans desperately need love...God created Eve to keep Adam company...for her to accept and love him. For the two of them to love and care for and accept the other...in true honesty. Alone we are a disaster. Alone we fall apart. Alone we cannot do much at all. 

One thing I would say from all of this is just...be honest. Speak truth. Don't lie to make someone feel good. If faced with the situation for brutal honesty or sweet lies I would pick the first over and over. The truth always comes out and when it does...it hurts if it's been covered with lies and gentleness. Now...this is not saying go out and be brutally honest. You can be sensitive...but for goodness sakes don't try and cover it up! The first person I mentioned had pretended to be close to me and be a good friend of mine...but out in public? I was a no one. I watch as people interact with other people...as they talk and act with their friends. If someone is a best friend then they will be PROUD of you. They will *love* you so so much. They will be entirely comfortable with you. They will be shouting with their actions, "This is my friend and I love them so much! See? They are my bestie!".

So who is there for you? Who shouts that with their actions? Who is proud of you? Who loves you unconditionally? You can guess where I'm going with this...yes, I'm making a spiritual reference here. But yes, I'm staying a bit material too. Look at your friends...who is there for you? Who loves you? Who has stayed through everything? Who is really truly honest with you? Who is proud of calling you their friend? Don't stay with "friends" who are fake and pretend to be a good friend when they can't even count you on THEIR true friend list. You do NOT deserve that...unless of course you do that as well...in which case I'd say you really do deserve it. 

One thing that has really been impressed upon me is the fact that my Father is so incredibly proud of me. He is! He encourages me in such things that glorify Him. When I walked out of my solo at Bob Jones University I felt glowing and alive. This was because I felt His pleasure with me! I knew He was happy for me and that He approved. His approval was all I needed to feel alive! I felt this cozy fire inside of me and fully filled because I knew He was smiling at me. He is proud of me! I mess up...like I said, I'm pretty messed up as an individual...but because of Him? Because of Him I am rebuilt...remade...remodeled. Sarah Bacon 2.0. I am nothing like that old person. I don't need a "true friend's list". I have the best and truest Friend I could ever want. He wouldn't lie to me about anything. He wouldn't fake anything. He wouldn't hide anything. And He loves me and accepts me as His and is so proud of me. 

Another point through all this is to take a look at not only your friends...but your LIFE. We are called to a life of holiness and godliness. Do our lives reflect that? Do they shout that? What do they shout? How do we spend our time? Is it focused on friends, being accepted, being loved, being wanted/needed, and other things like this? Are you consumed with the desire to have good friends? In some cases this can be good...but in other cases it can become an obsession. Friends are a lovely thing, I will *not* debate that...but one Friend is so much more important. If you are ever needy for something the worst thing is to be needy about it. I've found the hard way that when you feel you absolutely need something you won't get it. It's once you let go...get properly focused...and learn to be filled with Him that He will grant whatever you thought you previously "needed". He knows exactly what you need and what you want. So I can't be filled with the "need" to have friends...to be the coolest or most popular or most sought after girl in the room. That ISN'T what is important in life! 

Philippians 4:11 "Not that I speak according to need, for I have learned to be content in whatever state I am."
Hebrews 13:5b "..and be content with such things as you have, for He has said, "Not at all will I leave you, not at all will I forsake you, never!"

So...how IS your life focused? Where is your focus point on which everything else circles? Honestly. Where do you find your truest friends? What is it that you truly need in life? Do you make sure to keep that/those true needs a priority in life? Are you honest with those around you in how you function with them?

I don't know about you, but after this I'm going to make sure those I love and count as dearest to me know that I feel that way...in general, I tend to be a person who doesn't verbally or physically show people that I love them. I've had friends coming to me concerned about if our friendship was okay when there was nothing in my mind wrong. I want those who love me to know that I love them so much in return...that I accept them...that I am so proud of them and am even more proud to call them my friends. My encouragement to you is to do the same! They will appreciate it more then you could ever imagine. They might just end up crying from gratitude ;) 

Find peace in Him!