Loved or Appreciated? and Daily Christian Lives

So here's a question that came to mind last night: Is it better to be liked/loved or appreciated/respected/looked up to? Which is better? Which do you prefer? I thought of this because I've always struggled with being seen in orchestra. Many people who know me would describe me as bold and outgoing, but when it comes to "showing off" with my viola I tend to be toned down (no pun intended). I've been in Senior Orchestra for (our top orchestra) for about 5 years now. Ever since I started in this orchestra I've been for the majority of the time anything but first chair...I say majority because we are not supposed to have assigned seats (but we always end up in some kind of "assigned" seating). We all switch around and as such everyone gets a chance at first chair. But even with that kind of system you all know who is the bold, talented, creative player with flare. And for as long as I've been in orchestra that hasn't been me.

This year is the first year that I'm the oldest and "most talented" violist. I've been here the longest...the others have been in this orchestra 1 year, 6 months, and one just came in (3 other violists obviously). So I thought this would be my year to shine...to take center stage. It thrilled and scared me. I love being seen as "the best" (Okay, maybe the "better one"). Who doesn't? In past years I worked hard and tried to be that but it seemed like there was always someone better. Isn't that usually the case? You are good at something but never quite the best. In past years I never asked or pushed to get attention or first chair simply because I was a little bit of a pushover...maybe that's the vain side of me talking, but I came across that word last night and thought, 'Yeah, that kind of applies to what I'm trying to say.'

Even when they asked if I wanted first chair I would say no because I knew that they desperately wanted it and I would rather them like me then for me to take "their chair". Now I'm faced with this problem this year again...I thought it was all over, but it never really left. I don't want to seem prideful or selfish by always taking the first chair because I know I'm the more experienced one...but at the same time I know that this is my last year so they will need to learn to be leaders in their own time for next year. How do I balance that? Well I developed this system where I would just be the last one to sit down and as such I would just sit in the empty chair. As scared as these young violists are and how cautious they have appeared the past two months you would think that they would just leave me the first chair...but it has only happened one week so far.

What do I do? Do I take it like I've been told by my friends who know I have more experience? Do I risk losing the "love" of these young violists? Or do I continue to stay in their good graces? So now, I'll ask my first question again: is it better to be loved or looked up to? Would you prefer people like you for letting them have their way? Or would you rather have people who look up to you in awe? Both of these are a little out of way (rather silly huh?). But I guess what I'm saying is would you prefer fame or love? Often fame comes with a price...people look up to you and respect you so much that they don't dare talk to you. Have I been seeking fame too desperately? Do I expect too much attention?

Ultimately our end goal is to praise and glorify God. So now...how can we do that? One of the hardest parts of life is finding a balance in life. We can't be too this...but we can't be too much that. When do we let go? When do we hold on? I've come to see this with conversion. Well, maybe not even calling it conversion but speaking Christ into someone's life. When is the point where I back off and trust the Holy Spirit to open their eyes? I have friends who say that you speak the truth once and then leave...but then you hear of the many stories of the worst sorts of heretics who so many have given up on but there are those few (usually siblings, mother, or close friend) who just don't give up...they persist...and eventually the person receives a dramatic change and then goes on to be a famous and heroic Christian impacting the lives of thousands.

This doesn't even apply solely to orchestra. This could apply to family life or even our careers. So where do you find the balance of not being a weak spineless pushover but not being a know-it-all and proud jerk? Well, there is no set answer...there isn't any easy answer that will answer each situation like this. It depends on the individual, the situation, and the details of the situation. How important is it? Is it something that will impact the rest of your life? We are called to be selfless...but not to the extreme that we suffer from it. Yes, we are called to do missions and help those in need...but that doesn't mean pushing yourself to do it all and without any breaks. You are called to tend your body since it is a precious treasure of God's...you must care for it...food, water, sleep, and many other things are not just good, but they are needed and required for complete health.

I keep straying from the main subject. Yes, it isn't good to "hog" the main chair all to myself. That is an extreme. But at the same time it's not right to be that wimpy spineless pushover and just let them always have it. We are called to switch around and that can easily done. We have no set leader in course right now and until that time we can equally use that chair to grow and advance...to learn how to play boldly and confidently while growing in not only our leadership skills but also our servant and follower skills. Wherever we are placed it can always be used for the glory of God...depending on your own attitude and response. How do you respond to God and His will? When you find yourself at a cross road and not sure which way to take, find a happy medium.

Spend quality time in prayer. I said quality for a reason. You can't just throw out a prayer and expect it to happen. You have to actively seek God and seek to have a blossoming relationship with Him. It's not just a one time "asking God into my heart" time. It's a life...a life of *actively* searching for Him. Searching for truth. Searching for that which is good, true, and beautiful. God does not laugh when we bring small things like these to Him. That fact alone draws me to the throne of God. He doesn't care if we think it's small. If we bring it to Him then it is a big thing to Him. He cares about the tiniest details of our lives. And if we are ever confused or at a loss of what to do about a situation (even one so silly as wondering where to sit in orchestra) then there is no better remedy than to search out our Heavenly Father and seek advice and help.

Prayer and reading of our Bibles should be a natural thing...as normal as blinking or breathing. It should be a daily...several times daily thing that we do. We are truly lost without guidance. We are weak and frail creatures...incapable of strength or intelligence apart from Christ. Why is that when we do pray or seek our Father out that we are looked at so strangely...like we had another head or something. It's not odd! It's not weird! It's habit...it's normal...it's needed. I pray that you would be guided and lifted up to our Father...He cares for you tenderly. Never forget it. I feel so sorry for those who are apart from God...who have strayed or been in denial of Him. Even more so for those who were born and raised Christians but then left the faith. How can they live with feeling of emptiness? They were entirely filled up and loved...and then lost it. God grant that we remain faithful and dedicated heart, mind, and soul to Him for our whole lives.