Lost And Lost Trust

This is not a motivational post.
This is not a happy post.
This is not even an encouraging post.

It's an "I'm lost" post.

I'm lost because I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't know where it's all going. Like, I know deep down, but not here right now.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Trust.

It's such a simple word. With it though, comes infinite meaning.
With one sentence...one moment...trust can be shattered.
Is it like they say?
Trust once lost can never be regained.
A word once spoken can never be taken back.
A deed once done can never be made up.

Is it like the mug that broke?
Even though it's glued back together there are cracks and chips.
It's never whole again.
It can never function truly as well as before.

Once you are hurt...can you love again?
Can you trust again?
Can you ever be whole and the same again?

I have learned what trust broken means.

I've been on both sides of the fence.
I've broken trust.
I've been broken of trust.

The people who I hurt have forgiven me and we are just as we were before.
Those who hurt me...I tried to forgive them.
But I don't know how.
How do you know you have officially forgiven and moved on?
Is there a sign?
A lightening bolt?

And even when you move on...can you 100% trust anyone?

Right now I don't.
I can't.
I've tried, believe me I've tried so hard.
But each time...give it two weeks and I'm back where I am before.
Hurt and hurting and lost and mistrustful.
Again.

How do I change it?
I thought I picked people who were stable and good.
But each one turns out worse than before.
One of these times I will never venture out to trust again.
Why do we do it?
Why do we as humans repeatedly do things that will hurt?
Why do we trust when we know all humans can fail and harm us.
Can shatter our self-esteem.

At the end of the day the pain isn't worth it.
The venturing out.
The trusting of someone new.
The hope that this time it will be different.
The hurt that comes after is not worth it.
How many times do we go out before we crack and can't even move?

So what do we do?
That's where the lost feeling comes in.
Yes, I know, I've heard it before...go to God.
Let it go.
Trust Him.
Let Him work it for His glory.
It will all be okay tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Read Scripture.
Pray

I've heard it all.
And it works...but it is temporary.
God has placed us on the earth with a craving for companionship.
Human companionship.
Someone there physically to help you and love you and for you to trust.
So what happens when you don't get that?
You feel fulfilled in Him but lost on earth.

Where do you go after that?
When you've prayed and tried so hard to do all you can do by giving it to God.
What do you next?
Where do you go?
What do you say?

You're lost.
Stuck in the ever looming vacuum spinning around and around.

So like I said.
It's not a happy post.
No encouragement.
Maybe this is for the purpose that you can relate.
Or know that I can relate to you.
Or know that I'm just a human.
A human whose self-esteem really sucks right now.
A human who cannot trust anyone right now.
A human who is lost on this earth and doesn't know what to do.
A human who is trying her best to let God have His way.
But the human fails.