Are You YOU? Or Someone Else?

As I prepared to write this I knew I had something to say...but what was it? I sat down...mindful and open to any ideas. Over the years of blogging I've found that it's easiest to write when I just talk...and just be me. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to be YOU. Really truly yourself. You're afraid of criticism. But as cruel as this is going to sound...who cares? Everyone will be beaten down and hated by at least ONE person in this world. During the years I've studied history and the great men and women of the past, it is often the very best of them that were the most hated and despised of their times. That being said...if you have the chance (which really everyone does)...be yourself. Deceiving others to be something you're not isn't very beneficial for them or even yourself. They strike up relationships and friendships with something they think you are, when you're not. That being said...I find it easiest to relate to you, my faithful readers, when I am myself and when I talk about the real hard stuff of life...the nitty gritty...the ugly truth...the unpleasant details of life...the dark side of the moon.

For my more shy readers...this one is for you. How do you go out boldly? How do you "conquer" the world? How do you break out of your bubble? This is something I've been dealing with lately. For those of you who do know me...you would say I'm anything BUT shy. I tend to be outspoken and bright and bold and colorful (not in language...in dress and manner). But...I have a confession to make! I'm kind of bi-polar. Not...weirdly medically so. But I have two people in me. To some extent I would say everyone does. Not every energetic person is always that way and every shy person has a lion hidden inside of them. There is one side of me...the one most of you know...I am crazy and silly and I wear rainbow stripes and neon polka dots together just for the fun of it. I'm the drama queen of the crowd and others flock around me like I am a butterfly. And then there is the other side of me...the quiet, shy, hide-me-in-a-corner-and-please-don't-look-at-met, submissive, self-conscious little me. So now...how on earth do I balance and find a good mix?? Which is the real me? Which is the *right* me??

The answer is: YES! If you are reading this and thinking, "Hm, yup...yup, been there done that, and I can relate" then I'm talking to you when I say...God made you YOU...that's very clique...forgive me. But there isn't a more simpler way to say it. Do you think you came out a mistake? A defect in God's creation? He made you perfect. A sinner, yes, but your personality is not sinful unless it goes against God's Word. So unless your character is one against His Law then you're fine! Bold and bright...quiet and shy...it's beautiful. YOU are beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful. Don't fight against your personality or your character or your ...bi-polarness. One of the hardest things lately for me to do is just sit back and let myself be controlled by my self-consciousness.

It's been growing inside of me and every time bad happens it feels the seed of ungratefulness within me. I sit up nights and literally cannot sleep because I worry about what people must think about me. When I see people laughing I think they are laughing at me. When I see them whispering they must be gossiping about me! If my boss doesn't say anything to me after work I think that they must be displeased with how I did my job and that I'll get fired. If my dad says he has to tell my mother something later on I automatically worry it's something wrong I've done even though I've done nothing wrong! Sometimes when I'm out with people I actually have borderline anxiety attacks because I'm just so worried about what they must be thinking about me.

Now...this is chaotic. This is majorly stressful! It's ungodly! It's just...wrong. It's crazy and it's the very opposite of peaceful. You know the peace I'm talking about? The peace that passes all understanding? Yeah, that one. Every so often I find myself just walking away from God in my heart and mind. Trusting more on men and their opinion then I do my Heavenly Father's opinion. And let me tell you...He has a MUCH more relaxed standard than any man on earth. He isn't a harsh critic unless you stray from His Law. He loves his children and loves to bless them. But YOU...you yourself are blessed with your personality from Him. If you hate it and want it to change...that is possible! See for me...when I get all withdrawn, that's when I fight it. I know there are some good things about being quieter so I try to apply those even when I want to be my usual bright and bold self. I need to stop worrying about others opinions so much and focus on God's opinion of me.

If you can take simple steps to bettering yourself and communicating with God more then you will feel that peace. Not chaos or craziness at fighting yourself. But a peace in knowing that with Christ's sacrifice you are perfect. You are lovely. You are spotless of any fault or defect. Once you have this peace about yourself it is easier to take small steps toward looking at your character and seeing how you can improve. There is always room for improvement. Self-criticism is harsh though...so take it easy on yourself. Right now, my goals include being able to speak my mind more openly, going to God FIRST and not after friends, and being more concerned with God and not the matters of life. Simply put...I'm trying to make my life *meaningful*.

Is your life meaningful? Does it have purpose? Do you know what you are living for and why?