This morning I woke up and my days have begun to look different. I'm a different person. My life has been altered...I have been changed. There has been some kind of rebirth and due to it my personality and character has changed. I've become harder...more solid and tough. I can take anything now...it's like when you see someone go to hell and back. Once they get back they have all these awful stories, but they are so embittered and hard that they don't even speak them. There simply are no words to say. But they are different. They have a different view of life and of the people around them. They no longer care to be "here" in the world...but rather above it. To know and see things that are beyond them. To fly in the sky. It's like how a duck sits in a pond as it rains...they don't even care about the raindrops...their feathers are designed to be so the rain just rolls off their back. That is how I've become...my feathers have been built up so I can take anything...rain...hail...snow. It makes absolutely no difference. It even affects how you feel. Your face..your body...your words have a certain "hardness" to them. A weightiness that shows the experience and situations you've had to face. And you've had to face them alone. God was there, but in order to grow you up He has to take a step back and watch as you fight the demons and devils and even Satan himself. After you've faced the lions you come out with a certain swagger you don't even notice. But others do. They sense your fearlessness and your certain attitude that said "leave me alone or else". They give you a wide berth and that suits you just fine because you don't want them...you don't want anyone. You've given up on the thing you want most on this earth because that thing has been a rose in your heart, but they killed that rose and you were left with the thorns, which you had to rip out without a choice, cutting yourself in the process. They had no thought of it...and if they did they didn't care. If they did care then they wouldn't have done it. Sometimes pain causes the best happiness in the end. But pain without happiness is hell. I don't even want the happiness. Not now. Not ever. We all have those situations where it is downright hopeless...and there is not even one way that it could turn to good even if God interceded and provided a miracle. Even faced with those situations the human brain always thinks up some secret little thought...a daydream of some kind of miracle of how the situation might not be as hopeless as you would think. I've had that plague my mind for years now. Every time I ever thought the situation was hopeless my stupid brain would dream up some bizarre situation that would make it all okay...and it even made me feel better. But this time...there is no dream...I don't want the dream. I want this nightmare to last. I want to feel the pain and torture. I want to keep those thorns in my hand...constantly piercing my skin and causing extreme pain. The more pain I inflict and receive the tougher and stronger I'll be. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stronger, faster, harder, tougher, better. I am a big girl...and adult. I will be 17 in exactly a week. What a happy birthday this is for me. If you have ever sat somewhere and just dreamed up the dream of all dreams...and I'm talking about the best and most impossible things imaginable...just think of that dream coming true...being able to be a reality. But then...in the matter of a simple week (end) it being over...that dream of dreams that has been a balloon blown up bigger and better each moment has suddenly and quickly been popped. And the person with the needle who popped it then turns around and says "oops, sorry" and promises to blow it up again for you. All you can do is just sit there and laugh at them. Because what they promise is absolutely ridiculous. There is no way on heaven or earth that what they want to come true is true. No, I take that back, there is a way...but they refuse to see it. They firmly believe that their way is the right way and they are doing it right. But you stand with everyone else...shaking your head and wondering how on earth they could possibly think they have it right. You turn to them and you find that you are even hardened at them...hardened because they think they can possibly make it right...but don't care to actually do it. No one can truly fix that balloon...there will be no more usage of it. So you need to just throw the balloon of a dream away...bury it in the garbage because if you keep it to look at you might actually miss that balloon...you might try to imagine it...somehow dream up that dream all over again...find some small tiny way that it could be a huge magnificent balloon all over again. But even then, deep down inside you know it will never be what it once was. It will always be that dead limp empty balloon that is a reminder of anything good, true, or beautiful at one point. If you keep that reminder you might just break down and cry at your weakest moments...and you can't have that...so out the reminders go. You fill the spot with toughness...almost an angry, bitter feeling. Without that you wouldn't have the strength to throw that balloon in the trash...to wake up every morning and feel human. But you don't feel human even then. You feel like some alien trying to make it through the day while pretending to fit in with the real people here. Real humans. You feel like some kind of a monster because someone actually cared for you at some point but then it turned out to be a mirage...a trick of your mind because it was a fraud. So you're back to that monster you were before...full of demons and crazy voices never letting you go. Never ceasing to bug you day and night that you are not what you could be with that dream in your back pocket. People tell you to dream and dream big...but I say that nightmares are more fun. Maybe that sounds sick, but nightmares make you tough...tough enough so you can look reality in the face and say "yes, you suck, but I am stronger then you and don't care if my dreams don't come true". That dream will become nothing but a distant memory soon. I have done it before...forcing it out of my mind. I have gotten over dreams before...I can do it again. And when they decide to come back and try to blow up that balloon they will find that I threw it away, it became buried in the trash and then someone came and took the trash out. What a reality crash that will be then. So in light of all of this...I am strong. I am a strong, independent young woman who has God and others on my side. Who can be against me? I have many behind me who fully support my toughness...my attitude about how to face life when it's nothing but crap...about how I can be a hardened independent and single woman doing everything for God and others but never for those who leave me behind during the most important times. My theme song for this post (since I'm trying to get more music incorporated into this blog) is Kelly Clarkson's song "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)":
You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you
You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
When I'm alone
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